Friday, May 8, 2015

Black Diaries

Exactly two months had passed since my first diary entry, and only two papers (4 pages) are filled! As I said, I'm not good at diaries! It's kinda weird the way it makes me feel.. Sometimes I feel like Alaa Wali El-Deen in That scene in El-Erhab w El-Kabab movie!

The trigger was a friend who told me to write everything down as a solution for having some space in my mind, and not to keep thinking over and over! I guess her advice worked a bit. Most of what I wrote down I barely think of it any more. This cleared my mind for a while, before new thoughts stucked in it again.

I think I'm still not brave enough to write everything goes into my mind.. Specially dark -the darkest- memories or thoughts or feelings.. For a while I though I might be afraid that someone else might read it. It took me a while to realize that it's me whom I'm afraid to read my darkest one day!

There's a good thing about it though, I enjoy the feeling of my pencil on the canson paper (my diary is made of canson). The blank papers gives my that sense of freedom to write as much as I want, in whatever direction I like, without having to stick to regular lines or so. I use that advantage to draw also. Here's my first zentange drawing of a dolphin. It was absolute fun & joy. Couple of my friends used to tell me about how much they're obsessed with papers and pens and their touch and feelings while writing or drawing.. Now I understand what they meant.

One other thing that I keep thinking of, every time I write something about a mutual incidence between me and somebody else, I can't help but thinking, "So, what would s/he write about me in his/her diary?". It's not about how people see or think of me, but it's much about how our lives woven together like a cloth.. We all are part of some one else story... Like how it's said in Cloud Atlas,
Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.
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